What I feel after reading your "apology" (and I could be wrong) is that you are being hard on yourself. I identify with that because I do that, too. But you know what, I'm not going to tell you anything more, except that I feel I know what you're going through, and though I'm no expert, it's part of your self-healing. And it's okay. Say what you have to say when it's coming from your heart. And there's no need to look back days, weeks, months, or years later and ask yourself why you wrote this. There's no real why. It's just part of your exhale. Now, get ready for a fresh new inhale!